A New Post!!

Ok, generally I have only been writing when I've been frustrated. But today I'm just happy. Wonderdad constantly amazes me. Since Christmas I've been frustrated by work and wondering if we're really doing the right thing for our kids. Sure it's wonderful to have a job and money to put aside for them to go to college but if I'm not watching closely enough when they start school they could end up in the wrong crowd and classes. So I've been pndering whether I should become a stay at home mom.

However, Wonderdad ran the numbers and we can't afford for me to do that. I looked at tutoring on the side but there aren't enough jobs. I looked at home internet jobs but they generally are a scam. One of Wonderdad's friends has a wife that also stays at home and he suggested a home embroidery business. Well after crunching the numbers and scratching our heads, WonderDad looked at me and said, "I believe in you. Go ahead." So we purchased this crazy expensive machine and now we're starting a business. I'm not leaving my other job any time soon but maybe in a couple of years we will have this business ina good spot and I can easily make up the difference in what we need.

At wit's end

I feel sometimes like I only write when I'm frustrated. Yes I should be writing on the good days but those are the days when I don't need to vent. WonderDad and I had a huge arguement this morning. WonderBoy had managed somehow to hit or kick or land on (I'm not sure which) the Alligator's chest last night. I was out at a business dinner. I never get to go out. I'm on my way home and I call in to check on the kids and Wonderdad tells me about this. He said that WonderBoy has lost the ability to go to Tae Kwon Do class since that's what he said he was doing when the Alligator got hit. I'm upset of course because I liked taking Wonderboy to class but I know that I said that if he ever used Tae Kwon Do on his brother he would lose the ability to go. Open and shut case right? Wrong because I am an idiot. I went back and talked to Wonderboy again. I don't think he gets the concept of forever. I found myself guilting him over the fact that he screwed up. Wonderdad gets mad at me and then gets quiet and leaves for his hockey game.

We fight differently. I get loud he internalizes. I feel like I'm going crazy at home and he tends to be calmer. But then I get resentful over the fact that I also work a full time job but I HAVE to leave on time to get the kids. He will work later and say that it's important. Well my crap is important too. He offered to find a new job today. His current job is really interesting tohim although frustrating at times. But it also makes him travel more and work later and work on weekends. Maybe it's not worth it.

The other day he said kind of off the cuff that he thought that I didn't like our kids. He said that I always seem frustrated by them. I was so hurt. I love our children but yes they drive me crazy when they whine and fight. He said that they do the same things to him but it's never as often as they do it to me. He goes to hockey or works late. I have the drives home with the kids and I have to hear about what they did at school. I deal with the crap and shield him from a lot of it. Yes I make him come and scold the kids at time so that I am not alwys the bad guy.

We've been bickering more lately as the boys are acting up. We don't actually fight about other stuff. Not money, not sex. Just the kids. It's killing me. I told him that I hated the idea of being in a house where it feels like he hates me. He said maybe he shouldn't be at the house. I asked him if he wanted to divorce. He said no. We've been married for 8 years and together for 13. I've never been more worried about him leaving as I was this morning. When we finally left for work I think we got things worked out. I'm drained and frustrated. I just need some words of wisdom from someone out there.

Thanksgiving ahoy

I'm going to have to see my mother for Thanksgiving. I really don't want to. I've spoken to her I think once (maybe twice) in the last few months. I had to initiate those calls. I want to see my dad just not her. I know it sounds horrible but if she weren't my mother I would never choose to deal with her. Say what you want but it's true.

I hate that I have mommy issues but I'm so tired of wanting things that in my heart I know will never happen. One Christmas I asked my mom to write down the recipes that I loved as a child so that I could cook those things for my kids. My mom really is an excellent cook. She gave me a chocolate fountain instead that she bought from QVC. You might say that it was a lovely gift. And it was when I received it from her the year before.

She sends lovely hand written cards to my friends when they get engaged or have a child. I get nothing. I don't know why we never bonded but I've wanted to have that forever. I seriously have panic attacks worrying that I am completely going to screw up my kids lives. It's definitely one of the reasons that I didn't want to have a girl. I wouldn't want her to have these same feelings for me that I have for my mom. Somehow it feels different with little boys.

Random Crap

I know I haven't written in forever but I've been busy having my ass handed to me by my Big Boss and dealing with the fall out of all of that shit. A few months back I was foolish enough to thing that if you work your ass off, that good things may actually happen for you. BAH! After much effort and a possible promotion dangling in front of me, I was called into the Big Boss' office and told that while my work is great my people skills sucked ass. I added the ass part. He did say that they sucked though. I apparently pissed off the wrong people when I told them that they can't have everything for free and that if the quality of their data looked bad they might want to run some quality controls prior to giving the samples to me. These incidents occurred at a couple different times but whatever. I sucked. I was too aggressive according to the Big Boss. Would they say that if I was a guy? Maybe I don't know. I was bitter (ok still am) and depressed for a long while. I was told that I needed to meet with the head of HR and learn how to deal with difficult people. BAH. Ok I have done these things because if the boss tells you to do it, you do it. But in the process my self confidence has plummeted into the toilet. I've grown bitter about having put in all the effort only to feel like I was shit upon. Yes I am using this information as a learning experience but it still sucks.

So instead of writing, I sat and have read about other peoples lives. At the end of the day I still have my job but the shine is off the apple a bit. They haven't officially hired someone for that promotion yet but I doubt that it's gonna be me. Maybe I shouldn't even want it. It will require working with those people that are the most problematic.

When I was in the fourth grade I transferred out of Catholic school to the public school across the street. There, I was a virtual rock star. Ok I was teacher's pet but to me that was a rock star. I got away with all sorts of shit, mostly because I finished my assignments before everyone else. I would schedule Mr F's tennis appointments and vet appointments and all sorts of crap. Yeah I was basically his secretary but no one else got to use the phone in the teacher's lounge. When I was in the fifth grade, I was no longer special. Mr D made sure that everyone got a chance to do something special. He used bingo chips. We were all assigned numbers at the start of the year and when he wanted something done he shook the container (ala Vinnie Testa's) and if your number was picked you got to do something cool. Ok I got over that disappointment because I knew that I was really smart. Smarter, in fact than most of the kids in my class. Yeah I knew I was near the top of my class but I was proud of that. I knew that I could lead people. Until one day when we were split into groups. There were four of us in a group. Ann G was in there. She was near the top of the class too. I actually wasn't sure which one of us was smarter. I always hoped it was me because Ann was in the popular group and thus I disliked her.

When you transfer schools and you don't come from some sexy new location (i.e. the West Coast or even Pennsylvania), you either have to be really pretty or really to get into the popular group. Although I'm really cute, I have an overbearing mother and a long series of hand-me-down clothes. I was never going to fit in.But I knew I was smart so it was something. How2 stated these feeling much more eloquently in her Queen Bee post. Anyhow, there I was in a group and it was some sort of mapping project. Everyone sat down and started talking about how to address the task at hand. And when they were done I pointed out that they were wrong and that there was a better, simpler way of doing it. Well Mr D pulled me aside and told me that I wasn't allowed to do that. I didn't understand why. According to him I needed to do what the rest of the group said even if it was wrong. To this day I don't get that shit. Either let me point out how to fix the problem or let me do this by myself.

I bring up this incident, which obvious still bothers me, because in the office with the big boss, I felt like I was in the fifth grade again. If I can't indicate that certain actions are going to compromise the results, because somebody else's feeling may be hurt what the hell is the point? No one cares that my feelings were hurt. I was told not to take it personally but when you are told that YOUR people skills suck, it is personal. Basically you are told to sit there are take it even if it's wrong and then take all the blame when the people are pissed about the results. I need this job so I take it. But it sucks balls.

Why you should not wear a bikini on the beach

So we're well ensconced on our family vacation. I've got WonderDad, Wonderboy, The Alligator, WonderGramma, WonderPapa, WonderGrammy and WonderGrampy all with me. The other day I was sitting on the beach with the Alligator. I was wearing a bikini. It's not too showy. It's got a halter top and a bottom that's big enough to make sure that my butt is fully covered. The Alligator and I were sitting in the surf just letting the waves wash up on us. Suddenly I realized that it felt like I had a just taken a big poo in my bikini bottom. Now of course I didn't! But all that sand had started washing itself up into my bottoms. WonderGramma said that I should go out into the ocean and rinse off. I tried but the sand had actualy worked itself into the inner liner of the suit. Yeah. So I tried as gracefully as possible to leave the beach and change my suit. That suit has now been designated as pool only!

Just Wrong

http://www.chiaobama.com/
I have no words. This is just wrong.

Paternity Leave

Ok so this is probably not going to be a very welcomed notion but I honestly believe that in MOST cases extended paternity leave is stupid. I'm not talking about parents of preemies, sick children, multiples, spouses with massive post partum depression or complications, or couples that are waiting to get into daycare. I can understand the leave in these cases. However, people who take leave months after the child is born who are not doing it for bonding purposes but rather for an extended vacation are ridiculous. I'm sorry. My husband took 2 days off with our first child and 1 day with our second child. I just didn't need him to be at home with us during that time. All the baby is going to do is eat, sleep and poop. Sure he can change a diaper but he wasn't going to breastfeed the little nugget. After 7 weeks of maternity leave I went back to work. The first time I didn't have an option. I didn't qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act since I had only been at my job for 4 months. With my second child, I could have stayed home for 4 months. I was so antsy, I couldn't do it. I'm not busting on moms that take more time. I'm not busting on stay at home moms or stay at home dads for that matter. However, there are a lot of men where I work and where WonderDad work that view this as vacation time. F*CK OFF! Be a man and go to work you lazy bum!