More late nights

So it's now quarter to nine and I'm still at work, again. I have another two hours before I can find out if I can proceed with this experiment. My boss and his boss both say that I need to make sure that I don't burn out. I know that. I told them both that once we get through this immediate crap that I'm taking time off and I'm not using vacation time for it either. They need to just give it to me. They agreed. Will any of this really help anyone? I have to believe that it will.

One boss says to worry about the swine flu. The other, who made his career working with it says it's bad but not horrible. I'm not sure who to believe. What I do believe though is that I can't risk my kids getting sick and feeling like I didn't do everything in my power to fight this. This is in my power. Like it or not.

Right now at work I have two guys who work for me. They are awesome. I had this one severely crazy woman before who gave me months of grief before they moved her to a different lab. Now I don't have nightmares where I'm yelling at her all night. Given how things are going I may very well end up with many more people under me very quickly. That's good and bad. It's good because technically I am fulfilling the potential everyone always said that I had. It's bad because I might fuck up. But I have to believe that God gave me certain skills to understand certain things. He does not want me fucking up.

I miss my kids though. I miss WonderDad. He really has been amazing. He's been picking the kids up everyday from daycare. It's a long drive for him to do that. They are at a place by me. I wanted it that way. When I was breastfeeding I always knew that if they ran out of milk I could run up the street to feed them. When they are sick I am less than 5 minutes away. Ok I was lousy at the first few things I did. I didn't want to be in the lab the whole day. I wanted to breathe and play and goof off...all the things I didn't do in undergrad. I eventually got my shit together and joined a new lab and I worked my ass off. It was rough. At the end I was 6 months pregnant, trying to finish my dissertation, move to a new state and start a new job. WonderDad was great then too. I'm really lucky. We support each other through these crises. He had one a few months ago when he just had to work non-stop to get a product out for work. If they didn't make it it was likely that everyone would have been fired. They made it and WonderDad was even promoted.

But some days I wish I could just stay at home with the kids and cook a great meal for WonderDad. My mom is a great cook. She helped us with our homework, kept the house spotless and always cooked a great meal. I hadn't even tried mac and cheese until I was 12. I love the stuff though! The problem is, when I am at home all I want to do it veg out and watch TV. I do like playing with the kids. I'm reading Treasure Island to WonderBoy . The original one not a kids version. He likes it. He actually is familiar with it from a cartoon so he tells me what's going to happen next. The thing is that I feel like I'm judged by everyone. If I stayed at home everyone would question why we moved to this state so far away from family. We did it for my job. If I have no job they'd want us back. But I like it here. WonderDad though would want to move back. If I stayed at home they'd question why I forced WonderDad to choose a career that really wasn't his first choice. He's great at it but it wasn't his dream.

Maybe it's not just family I'm worried about. Maybe it's really more about WonderDad. Will he resent me more if I changed my mind or if I work hard? I wish I knew. Either way it's a moot point. We're here and I have a job to do.

My big boss said that ThePlace is working on a plan that would allow people to work from home during this crises. I however am not going to be one of those people. He told me so. He isn't either to be fair and he has offered to help in the lab himself if he has to. He's always been good to me. His wife, who works in my department has been great too. It's funny because a lot of people don't really warm up to them. She's told me that I should embrace my inner bitch. I like her. He understands that I will do what it takes for ThePlace. In turn he has rewarded my past efforts with a job most people would kill for. Hell I have a bigger office than most, if not all, of the section heads. They also let me work from home when my kids are sick and leave for things without problem because they know that I put in the effort. I'm grateful for the job and their confidence. If only I could get some sleep...

Leaving Work

It's 11:30 PM. That's all I'm gonna say.

The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?

Do you remember in Armageddon when all they guys made specific requests to the US government if they managed to save the world? Well I want a deal like that. Ok I know that I'm not going to get 8 track tapes back or avoid paying taxes, like they did in the movie. But you know what I'd like when we finish all of this swine flu stuff? I'd like a date night with my husband. I want dinner at a swanky restaurant and I want to go to the movies. Haven't been able to do that in forever because we can't find a decent sitter. Ok actually we have one good sitter but she works like crazy and she charges $15 an hour for 2 kids! She's in grad school but still...

I gave up on the teenager across the street when the Barcardi disappeared while she was cat sitting. I mean we actually don't drink. The Bacardi was for cooking. If you're gonna steal liquor steal it from someone who might believe that they drank it themselves. And don't leave a mess in my sink! Anyhow, if she's gonna do that cat sitting, I can't trust her with my actual kids.

Sometimes I really wish I did drink. I don't because there is alcoholism in my family on both sides. My dad never really touched the hard stuff but he could throw back those beers. There was way too much crying that went on because of all of that, that I never want to put my kids through. But let me tell you, after the flight I took with the Alligator to Phoenix. I needed a drink.

It was probably the last flight we could make with him in my lap. He'll be 2 next month. He's wiggly and squirmy. I could live with all that. However, for that flight he was miserable. He started screaming while we were sitting in the waiting area. I told him we all feel like doing that but he needed to keep it down. We got on the plane and discovered that they had moved our seats. I thought I was being smart and courteous by booking us for the back of the plane. I figured that I would bother fewer people if he freaked out. However, the plane that we were on was this regional jet and they have specific seats for infants in laps in THE MIDDLE of the plane. Great! So there we are and the Alligator is screaming and now hitting.

By the way, How2, if no one has told you yet, the terrible twos are not related to being 2 years old. It's how long it takes until they are sane again from when they start acting like crazed wildebeests!

I digress... Anyhow, he was screaming and hitting. Some wiseass diagonally behind me says to his wife across the aisle, "Three hours of this!" I turned to him and loudly told him that I did not book those seats but was placed here so he was just going to half to deal with it! He apologized and said that he didn't mean anything by his comment but I just shot him a dirty look. He then offered the Alligator some pretzels to which the Alligator yelled, "NOOOOOO!!!!"

At some point he calmed down. Ok he calmed down when I turned on the DVD player that WonderDad didn't know I bought just before the trip. We have a portable DVD player but it's the really good one and I didn't want the Alligator to throw it everywhere. I figured that I could buy an inexpensive one and keep it in the diaper bag for emergencies like this. Anyhow, the Alligator is now calm and quiet but stretching his legs out against the back of the seat in front of me. I know how annoying it is to have someone kicking the seat but he wasn't doing anything. Just sitting there. Suddenly, Dumbass Stewardess comes by and says to the Alligator that he needs to move his legs because someone else is sitting in front of him. I mutter that the guy in front of me was just going to have to deal with this if it means that he's quiet for the rest of the plane. She proceeds to the back of the plane but when she comes back, the Alligator hasn't moved. She says, "Well I guess someone doesn't know how to listen".

Now I wanted to punch this bitch in the neck. I wanted to say that he's obviously less than two otherwise he wouldn't be allowed in my lap. What fucking two year old listens? However, you can't this shit anymore because they arrest your ass when the plane lands. So I just gave her a dirty look. By the way we were fine until the batteries on the DVD player died. Then the screaming started all over again.

By the end of the flight the Alligator was calmer. So much so that I made him say that he was sorry to everyone around us. I even told the poor guy in front of me that I would have given the kid Benedryl to knock him out but he is allergic to it. The flight reminded me of the old Bill Cosby sketch about Jeffrey, a 4 year old that reeked havoc on a flight. When we were done and at the Alligator's Godmother's (Tante D) house her husband handed me a drink. It was citrus flavored vodka and cranberry lime juice. I guzzled it. I was happy. For the next three days I had a drink at dinner. It was good. I'm back to my teetotalling ways at home now. But for a few sweet hours it felt good to drift away.

Swine Flu

Let me just start by saying that MamaSigi is tired. I am a scientist. I am currently working with people who are dealing with the swine flu problem. Fortunately/Unfortunately, that makes it my problem too. MamaSigi has already worked an 8.5 hour day and it looks like I will be working well into the night as well. But there is a pandemic out there and the fate of the world may very well rest on what I manage to accomplish tonight. Perhaps I should be known as WonderMama... nah. I've seen myself in spandex. I'm cute but that really doesn't look good on anyone no matter how skinny you are!

Missing WonderDad

WonderDad doesn't come home until tomorrow afternoon. I hate it when he's gone. Sure I'm getting better at "being alone". OK technically I have the kids with me but you understand. When we were first married I was so afraid of being alone when he had to go out of town that I would make a friend sleep over. My in-laws lived 5 minutes away but I didn't want to stay there. Not that they wouldn't have had me. They always offered but I had the cat to take care of and I did want to be in my own house. The upshot was that one of my friends, A, lived in the same town with her mom, so she loved the idea of not having to stay there for a week. I told her to come and go as she pleased. I didn't need her to entertain me. I just wanted to know that someone else was there. We've since moved and A is married so there goes that plan.

However the slumber party was a success. WonderBoy and K's daughter J didn't go to sleep until midnight when they finally crawled into K's and my beds but it was a good night. J stayed until 11:30 yesterday and the kids had a blast. They were running around in the back yard and using the bubble machine. There is sand everywhere from the sandbox. I managed to clean the living room, the porch, the kids room, the playroom half of the office and most of the kitchen. My room however is a disaster!

I adore K. The only problem is that she is naturally skinny. I'm not big by any means but I'm much shorter and curvier. Sometimes after spending a lot of time with K I feel like a water buffalo. If she weren't so wonderful you'd want to hate her. But you can't. She and her family are amazing. They might move. I hate to even think it but K's husband will know by June. Wonderboy and J are supposed to go to school together, and the prom and get married! Nothing official of course just a mama's plans. Actually, WonderBoy may have competition in the form of the Alligator. WonderBoy is a bit passive. Alligator is not. He was tying to grab J and give her a full on lip-lock. He tried to put his head in her lap. J wasn't into it but he tried nonetheless. What can I say, he IS MamaSigi's kid.

Feast or Famine

Why is it that when I'm at work it's always feast of famine in terms of the work load? Why does it feel like my brain is generally working in the inverse manner during those times? I know that there is tons of things to do but my brain won't cooperate right now. All I can think about is doing something fun with the kids tonight. WonderDad is out of town on business and I really would like to do something fun with the kids this weekend.

We've actually had several really busy weekends lately. We went with WonderDad to BigCity a few weeks back, when he had to go for work. Unfortunately our car was hit in the hotel parking lot during that trip (of course there was no note!), but the kids and I ended up having a really good time. We found this great indoor playground to play in. Ok since the car was damaged we ended up only having 20 minutes to play there before they closed but we made the most of it. Then we met up with an old labmate of mine who is now postdoccing at University in BigCity for lunch at Red Robin. J's parent's were coming for Easter so she couldn't spend the rest of the afternoon with us. So I packed the kids up and we went to the Science Museum. They love that place. We played hard until it was time to pick up WonderDad and his co-workers who had driven up with us.

The following weekend we drove back to BigCity and went on an Easter train ride. The bunny himself was even there. There was some drama that morning but that is for another post, but it was a good trip. We took out my friend L who I used to babysit when I was at college on the East Coast.

Then the week of Easter unfortunately we were not all together. WonderDad and WonderBoy went to DC to see the College Hockey Frozen Four. They met up with WonderGramma and WonderPapa and even WonderUncle. It can be cold in DC in April, so I took the Alligator to Phoenix to see his Godmother, Tante D. Worst flight ever...tale for a different post but a great trip nonetheless.

Anyhow, back to this weekend. Since the Alligator was born I have found that WonderBoy and I don't spend as much time together as I would like. I know the Alligator is smaller and more demanding of my attention but I hate that I don't spend as much time with him. To be fair at times it feels like WonderDad isn't spending as much time with the Alligator. It's just tough. WonderBoy wants certain things and can play things that the Alligator just can't. I try to schedule special MamaSigi/WonderBoy activities but when WonderDad is out of town that just can't happen. Couple that with sometimes I'm just so flippin tired after work that I don't feel like playing with the kids. I am at times content to just to let them play with each other in the playroom, while I decompress a little. If I don't get that decompression time I find that I yell a lot more at the kids and they just don't deserve it.

But tonight is different. I have energy and I want to do something fun. So, I'm going to leave work a little early and get the kids. Our neighbors (just the mom and daughter) are going to come over as well and we are going to have a slumber party in my living room. K's husband is taking their son on a cub scout trip so we might as well stay together. I'm going to open up the sleeper sofa and get the air mattresses ready. We're going to pop some popcorn, Watch some movies, Bake some cookies and let K's daughter put makeup all over me. And tomorrow? We're going to the zoo.

Short

I'm short. Not that this comes as a surprise to me or anything. I've been the first person in line when they arranged us by height since kindergarten. Yes I was a big ole nerd but that wasn't the only reason that I sat in the front row at school. I'm legally in many states considered to be a little person. I actually like the term midget but since it does seem to offend that community I'll refrain from the use of the term. How short? I'm 4"10.75". If I'm right in the things I've looked up, 4' 10" and under is the federal cut off for being termed a little person. Right now I only qualify in certain states. DadWonder is far from short. I think he's 6'1" or 6'2". At his height who cares about an extra inch. At my height every fraction counts. I know you shrink with age so basically I'm not that far off from nationwide little person status. So what's my gripe about all of this? Clothes. I really hate petite shopping. I'm 31 but most clothes for women my height either either has to be bought in the juniors section or it looks like it's for a Golden Girl. Now I love me some Sophia but I'm not ready to dress like her. As for the junior section...I'm a mama and thus many of these things are soooo not age appropriate. I'm not sure it was appropriate when I was the age. Also I have a booty. I used to have boobs but breastfeeding two kids got rid of that. In the end trying to find pants for a shorty like me with a butt and a small waist in age appropriate fashion and length is damn near impossible. Oh yeah and I need to be able to afford them. Sorry I can not bring myself to buy jeans for $100 a pop. The Alligator likes to eat no matter how cute mama looks in the pants.

The start of something

Since this my first post I should reveal, I suppose a few bits of information about myself. I'm a married mother of two fantastic boys. Our eldest, herein known as BoyWonder, is 4 1/2 years old. He's funny and gentle and terribly sensitive. I adore him. Our youngest, herein known as Alligator, will be two next month. He is a rough and tumble kid. He's already knocked out one of his front teeth. He has a great sense of humor and my Dad's smile. I've been married to DadWonder (I swear BoyWonder is a clone of his father, hence the name) for almost eight years. He's an engineer and does lots of stuff that I can't explain...not because I don't want to but simply because I actually can't explain them. I am a scientist. I have an amazing job for a company that will just be referred to as ThePlace. I've been at ThePlace now for almost five years. It's a good place to be.

So what's the point to this blog? Does it really need to have one? Ok well if I'm going to be perfectly honest, I used to keep a diary religously when I was in high school. I stopped around the time that I met DadWonder. I'm not sure why. I think that I just didn't feel the need to write in the journal when I had him to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I still have him to talk to. I love talking to him. But over the years I also had more female friends to confide in and they served as my diary of sorts.

I've found that the more educated you get (I've got my PhD from an Ivy...not bragging just filling in details) that you tend to get more specialized. Well in my field...specialization comes with a cost. You make friends and then they go off to their own labs and leave you behind. It was a lot easier when I was in grad school. Now that my family is more settled it's harder to find other couples that want the same friendship dynamic that DadWonder and I want.

I should explain. DadWonder and I married right out of his grad school. I was still working on my PhD. We had been together for 5 years at that point. Even though he is a fraternity guy, we never had that sterotypical fraternity lifestyle. I think we were always old for our age. We had BoyWonder when I was 27 and Alligator when I was 29. We've just always been settled. Unfortunately, our friends are just getting to that settling down stage. Some still getting married, some just having their first child, some still trying to find the right one. Anyhow, this leaves us either ahead of the curve or behind it. We're ahead of those that are just getting settled but our kids are too young at times to hang out with those who have been settled far longer than us.

What was my point? Oh yeah, in the end it gets a little lonely. So I'm just gonna start blogging. Maybe you'll find yourself in the same position and we can share this journey together. Maybe no one will read this and I'm just writing to myself. Either way sometimes you just need an outlet to think. This is mine.