The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?

Do you remember in Armageddon when all they guys made specific requests to the US government if they managed to save the world? Well I want a deal like that. Ok I know that I'm not going to get 8 track tapes back or avoid paying taxes, like they did in the movie. But you know what I'd like when we finish all of this swine flu stuff? I'd like a date night with my husband. I want dinner at a swanky restaurant and I want to go to the movies. Haven't been able to do that in forever because we can't find a decent sitter. Ok actually we have one good sitter but she works like crazy and she charges $15 an hour for 2 kids! She's in grad school but still...

I gave up on the teenager across the street when the Barcardi disappeared while she was cat sitting. I mean we actually don't drink. The Bacardi was for cooking. If you're gonna steal liquor steal it from someone who might believe that they drank it themselves. And don't leave a mess in my sink! Anyhow, if she's gonna do that cat sitting, I can't trust her with my actual kids.

Sometimes I really wish I did drink. I don't because there is alcoholism in my family on both sides. My dad never really touched the hard stuff but he could throw back those beers. There was way too much crying that went on because of all of that, that I never want to put my kids through. But let me tell you, after the flight I took with the Alligator to Phoenix. I needed a drink.

It was probably the last flight we could make with him in my lap. He'll be 2 next month. He's wiggly and squirmy. I could live with all that. However, for that flight he was miserable. He started screaming while we were sitting in the waiting area. I told him we all feel like doing that but he needed to keep it down. We got on the plane and discovered that they had moved our seats. I thought I was being smart and courteous by booking us for the back of the plane. I figured that I would bother fewer people if he freaked out. However, the plane that we were on was this regional jet and they have specific seats for infants in laps in THE MIDDLE of the plane. Great! So there we are and the Alligator is screaming and now hitting.

By the way, How2, if no one has told you yet, the terrible twos are not related to being 2 years old. It's how long it takes until they are sane again from when they start acting like crazed wildebeests!

I digress... Anyhow, he was screaming and hitting. Some wiseass diagonally behind me says to his wife across the aisle, "Three hours of this!" I turned to him and loudly told him that I did not book those seats but was placed here so he was just going to half to deal with it! He apologized and said that he didn't mean anything by his comment but I just shot him a dirty look. He then offered the Alligator some pretzels to which the Alligator yelled, "NOOOOOO!!!!"

At some point he calmed down. Ok he calmed down when I turned on the DVD player that WonderDad didn't know I bought just before the trip. We have a portable DVD player but it's the really good one and I didn't want the Alligator to throw it everywhere. I figured that I could buy an inexpensive one and keep it in the diaper bag for emergencies like this. Anyhow, the Alligator is now calm and quiet but stretching his legs out against the back of the seat in front of me. I know how annoying it is to have someone kicking the seat but he wasn't doing anything. Just sitting there. Suddenly, Dumbass Stewardess comes by and says to the Alligator that he needs to move his legs because someone else is sitting in front of him. I mutter that the guy in front of me was just going to have to deal with this if it means that he's quiet for the rest of the plane. She proceeds to the back of the plane but when she comes back, the Alligator hasn't moved. She says, "Well I guess someone doesn't know how to listen".

Now I wanted to punch this bitch in the neck. I wanted to say that he's obviously less than two otherwise he wouldn't be allowed in my lap. What fucking two year old listens? However, you can't this shit anymore because they arrest your ass when the plane lands. So I just gave her a dirty look. By the way we were fine until the batteries on the DVD player died. Then the screaming started all over again.

By the end of the flight the Alligator was calmer. So much so that I made him say that he was sorry to everyone around us. I even told the poor guy in front of me that I would have given the kid Benedryl to knock him out but he is allergic to it. The flight reminded me of the old Bill Cosby sketch about Jeffrey, a 4 year old that reeked havoc on a flight. When we were done and at the Alligator's Godmother's (Tante D) house her husband handed me a drink. It was citrus flavored vodka and cranberry lime juice. I guzzled it. I was happy. For the next three days I had a drink at dinner. It was good. I'm back to my teetotalling ways at home now. But for a few sweet hours it felt good to drift away.