More late nights

So it's now quarter to nine and I'm still at work, again. I have another two hours before I can find out if I can proceed with this experiment. My boss and his boss both say that I need to make sure that I don't burn out. I know that. I told them both that once we get through this immediate crap that I'm taking time off and I'm not using vacation time for it either. They need to just give it to me. They agreed. Will any of this really help anyone? I have to believe that it will.

One boss says to worry about the swine flu. The other, who made his career working with it says it's bad but not horrible. I'm not sure who to believe. What I do believe though is that I can't risk my kids getting sick and feeling like I didn't do everything in my power to fight this. This is in my power. Like it or not.

Right now at work I have two guys who work for me. They are awesome. I had this one severely crazy woman before who gave me months of grief before they moved her to a different lab. Now I don't have nightmares where I'm yelling at her all night. Given how things are going I may very well end up with many more people under me very quickly. That's good and bad. It's good because technically I am fulfilling the potential everyone always said that I had. It's bad because I might fuck up. But I have to believe that God gave me certain skills to understand certain things. He does not want me fucking up.

I miss my kids though. I miss WonderDad. He really has been amazing. He's been picking the kids up everyday from daycare. It's a long drive for him to do that. They are at a place by me. I wanted it that way. When I was breastfeeding I always knew that if they ran out of milk I could run up the street to feed them. When they are sick I am less than 5 minutes away. Ok I was lousy at the first few things I did. I didn't want to be in the lab the whole day. I wanted to breathe and play and goof off...all the things I didn't do in undergrad. I eventually got my shit together and joined a new lab and I worked my ass off. It was rough. At the end I was 6 months pregnant, trying to finish my dissertation, move to a new state and start a new job. WonderDad was great then too. I'm really lucky. We support each other through these crises. He had one a few months ago when he just had to work non-stop to get a product out for work. If they didn't make it it was likely that everyone would have been fired. They made it and WonderDad was even promoted.

But some days I wish I could just stay at home with the kids and cook a great meal for WonderDad. My mom is a great cook. She helped us with our homework, kept the house spotless and always cooked a great meal. I hadn't even tried mac and cheese until I was 12. I love the stuff though! The problem is, when I am at home all I want to do it veg out and watch TV. I do like playing with the kids. I'm reading Treasure Island to WonderBoy . The original one not a kids version. He likes it. He actually is familiar with it from a cartoon so he tells me what's going to happen next. The thing is that I feel like I'm judged by everyone. If I stayed at home everyone would question why we moved to this state so far away from family. We did it for my job. If I have no job they'd want us back. But I like it here. WonderDad though would want to move back. If I stayed at home they'd question why I forced WonderDad to choose a career that really wasn't his first choice. He's great at it but it wasn't his dream.

Maybe it's not just family I'm worried about. Maybe it's really more about WonderDad. Will he resent me more if I changed my mind or if I work hard? I wish I knew. Either way it's a moot point. We're here and I have a job to do.

My big boss said that ThePlace is working on a plan that would allow people to work from home during this crises. I however am not going to be one of those people. He told me so. He isn't either to be fair and he has offered to help in the lab himself if he has to. He's always been good to me. His wife, who works in my department has been great too. It's funny because a lot of people don't really warm up to them. She's told me that I should embrace my inner bitch. I like her. He understands that I will do what it takes for ThePlace. In turn he has rewarded my past efforts with a job most people would kill for. Hell I have a bigger office than most, if not all, of the section heads. They also let me work from home when my kids are sick and leave for things without problem because they know that I put in the effort. I'm grateful for the job and their confidence. If only I could get some sleep...