Thanksgiving ahoy

I'm going to have to see my mother for Thanksgiving. I really don't want to. I've spoken to her I think once (maybe twice) in the last few months. I had to initiate those calls. I want to see my dad just not her. I know it sounds horrible but if she weren't my mother I would never choose to deal with her. Say what you want but it's true.

I hate that I have mommy issues but I'm so tired of wanting things that in my heart I know will never happen. One Christmas I asked my mom to write down the recipes that I loved as a child so that I could cook those things for my kids. My mom really is an excellent cook. She gave me a chocolate fountain instead that she bought from QVC. You might say that it was a lovely gift. And it was when I received it from her the year before.

She sends lovely hand written cards to my friends when they get engaged or have a child. I get nothing. I don't know why we never bonded but I've wanted to have that forever. I seriously have panic attacks worrying that I am completely going to screw up my kids lives. It's definitely one of the reasons that I didn't want to have a girl. I wouldn't want her to have these same feelings for me that I have for my mom. Somehow it feels different with little boys.